Never Gamble With the Cullens
by phix27
Summary: The Cullens are mad! But you knew that. Crazy happenings will result!
1. Never Gamble with the Cullens

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even the plot. Thank you TV and books!

A/N: This is told in Bella's point of view. Hope you all like it; it was spur of the moment.

**Don't Gamble With the Cullens**

By: phix27

I was sitting in Edward's room reading, when Alice bangs in.

"Bella, I'm bored," she whines.

"And you want me to do what?"

"Hmmm…" she plops down on the floor, thinking.

I shrug and go back to my book. Just as I find my place again, she slams my book shut.

"OUCH! DAMNIT ALICE THAT WAS MY FINGER!" I yell at her, shaking my hand.

She blinks at me. Oh, that's right; she's never heard me swear before.

"Well, anyway Bella, we're going gambling!" She screams in my face.

"Gambling? But Alice, you can barely pass for 16," I say to her.

"I know, but I have identification. Plus, Edward will take us."

"I didn't know Edward likes to gamble."

"I don't," said Edward coming in.

"Then why are you coming?" I ask confused.

"Because I said I would tell him his future. I also made him pinky swear," said Alice.

"Why didn't you just read her mind Edward?" I ask.

Edward slaps himself in the forehead.

"Idiot, idiot, Edward you complete idiot."

"You pinky sweared Ed. Now you have to take me," said Alice with a smug look on her face.

"Fine. Both of you, you in the car," he said pointing to the door.

"Yay! Come on Bella!" Yelled Alice before I could protest.

_A few minutes later…_

"I can't believe you talked me into this Alice, much less Edward," I said to her from the back seat of Edward's Volvo.

"Oh look! There's the casino!" exclaimed Alice, completely ignoring me.

Edward parks the car and we go up to the door.

"Registration?" he asks.

We all flash our ID's at him. He holds the door open for us. We step inside. I'm completely star-struck at the lights.

"I'm going to play Roulette," said Edward.

" Come on Bella! Let's go play slots!" yells Alice, dragging me to the slot machines.

We get to the machines.

"I don't know Alice…"

"Give me a quarter Bella."

"No Alice."

She turns and gives me are really maniac look. How did she get a vein to throb?

"Give. Me. Quarter. NOW!"

Life Lesson 1: Never argue with a vampire. Especially a very crazed vampire who really wants to gamble. So, naturally, I gave her the quarter.

She put the quarter into the machine and pulled the leaver. I stood there watch the symbols going 'ding, ding'. Alice pulled the leaver again and three 7's popped up.

"You know Alice, that's not really fare."

"Oh shut up and give me another quarter."

I, of course, gave her another quarter.

"Oh, and while your at it, say 'Big money, big money' over and over. It helps."

I rolled my eyes.

Life Lesson 2: Saying 'Big money' over and over? It really does help. Alice won 5 million dollars. What she's going to do with it, I don't know.

"Alice? I'm putting quarters in this bucket. I'm going to find Edward," I say, setting quarters in the bucket. All she does is nod.

I walk along, looking down isles for Edward. I finally find him at the Roulette table.

"Number 7," he says, placing 5 dollars down.

I come up beside him and he raps his arm around my waist and squeezes. The wheel finally stops spinning and it lands on number 12.

"Damn," says Edward. "Come on Bella, let's go play poker."

"You play poker?" I ask him as we walk.

"Yeah, cause I can see other player's hands."

"Good point."

We reach the poker table and Edward sits down with four other guys. He starts playing and barely notices I'm there. I sigh and go to find Alice. As I walk along, I here a voice I know.

"COME ON! BIG MONEY, BIG MONEY!"

I walk up to the voice to see Carlisle there, playing slots.

"Carlisle?" I ask.

"Bella!" He looks very ashamed and red in the face. I don't know how they can do that.

"Bella, please don't tell Esme. She thinks it's one of the things she's cured me of. Along with smoking, biking and hanging from ceilings."

"I won't tell Esme, but shouldn't you be, oh I don't know, performing brain surgery?"

"Nah, that's Tuesday. Hey, would you do me a favor? Would you stand behind me and say 'Big money' over and over?"

I sigh and walk away. I'm not paying attention and the next thing I know, I'm in the strip club. I rub my eyes. Is that Jasper pole dancing? I pinch myself. No, I'm not dreaming. I walk up to him.

"Jasper?"

"Oh, hi Bella," said Jasper from upside down.

"What are you doing?"

"Pole dancing," said Jasper, like it was the normalist think in the world.

"And you think this is normal?"

"Next to what Emmett's doing, yeah, it's pretty normal."  
"What's Emmett doing?" I ask, even if I really don't want to know.

"Emmett's giving lap dances."  
I look around. Then, I spot Emmett, sitting on some poor girl who's face was turning blue. I run over to them.

"Emmett, get off her!" I yell, dragging Emmett off by the ear.

"Ow! Bella, that hurts," said Emmett.

"Go get Jasper off the pole, we're going home!"

"But but but…"

"No buts' Emmett, get Jasper!" I push him toward the pole. He stalks off, pouting like a little boy.

Life Lesson 3: Never pout when you look like a professional wrestler. It's very creepy.

Anyway, I gathered my bearings, think where everyone was. Alice and Carlisle were playing slots and Edward was playing poker.

"Wa hoo!"

I hear a shout and look over. Emmett's now riding a mechanical bull. Great, just great. I walk over and pull him off. I go to the gift shop and buy five of those kiddie leashes.

Life Lesson 4: Never try to fit a kiddie leash on a vampire. They don't like it. Especially don't try it on one as big as Emmett.

I finally got it on him, and then walked over to Jasper. I pulled him off the pole, to much protest from the crowd around him. I fitted one on him too. I then pulled two leashed vampires out of a strip club.

Life Lesson 5: Never pull two vampires out of a strip club. You'll never hear the end of it. The only reason they let me was I reminded them of what Edward would do.

Next, we found Carlisle. I fitted a leash on him too. Now I was leading 3 vampires on kiddie leashes through a casino. Not fun. You should have seen the looks I got.

Then I found Alice.

"Bella, give me a quarter."  
"No Alice. Bring your money and let's go."

"But-"  
"No buts Alice! Don't make me put a leash on you too!"

She pouted but nodded. Looking like a kid that lost her candy, Alice picked up her 5 buckets of money (Which we later found out totaled 3.5 billion.) and followed me. We got about five feet when Alice sat at another machine and said "Quarter Bella." I had to put a leash on her too.

So let's recap. I was now leading 4 vampires, on kiddie leashes, through a casino. Could this day get any worse?

Life Lesson 6: Never ask 'Could this day get any worse?' Because, yeah, it can.

I was walking to the poker table when we saw Rosalie.

"Rose! Help me! Bella's kidnapping me and then's going to murder me in my sleep!" yelled Emmett.

"You don't sleep Emmett," I reminded him.

"Hey Bella, could I ask you a favor? Would you stand behind me and say 'Big money' over and over?" she asks me.

What is with these people?

"No Rosalie. Come on, don't make me put a leash on you too," I say to her.

She completely ignored me. I sighed and put a leash on her too.

So, I was now leading 5 vampires on leashes, to the poker table, in a casino. Oh joy.

Life Lesson 7: Never put 5 vampires on leashes. I had my arms feeling sore for days.

So, we got to the poker table, when I remembered I was out of leashes. Plus, Alice was working on hers with her teeth. Just great.

I spotted Edward sitting at the poker table in just his underwear. (A/N: Great image there. drools)

"Edward, what are you doing?" I almost scream at him.

"I'm playing strip poker," he says, not looking up.

"And losing," added another guy fully dresses, except for socks.

"Edward, we're going," I say to him.

"But I'm winning!" He protests.

"Don't make me put a leash on you too."

"You're out of leashes," he points out.

That's right. I look at my 5 vampires on leashes. Which one could I trust to let off? Right on cue, Jasper looks at me with puppy dog eyes. I sigh.

"Jasper? If I let you off, you have to stay right next to me the whole time," I tell him, sounding like Esme.

He nods, still with the puppy eyes. I sigh.

Life Lesson 8: Never trust a vampire that knows how to use puppy dog eyes. He'll get away.

So, Jasper ran off again. Alice had sucessed in chewing through one of her straps. Rosalie and Emmett are now making out and Carlisle had some guy's pants on his head and Edward was now sitting naked. Great, just great.

"Edward, put your clothes on."

I had hoped I'd never have to say that. Edward did as I said and then I put a kiddie leash on him. I knew where Jasper would go, so I stopped at the gift store again.

Life Lesson 9: Never take Alice to a gift store. Don't do it. Just don't.

So, after I got those 5 vampires out of the gift store, with my new leash, I walked over to the strip club again. Sure enough, Jasper was pole dancing again.

"Jasper get off of there."  
"NO! And you can't make me!" He sticks his tongue out at me. I sigh and pull the leash over his head again.

So, I was now leading 6 vampires on kiddie leashes, to the entrance. Oh, the looks I got. At the door, the security guard smiled at me.

"Someone had to get them out," I explain, red faced.

"No problem lady. We see this all the time. That's why we keep kiddie leashes in the gift store."

We walk to Edward's car.

"OK Ed, give me the keys," I say, holding out my hand.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."  
"Edward, NOW!"

I didn't think it was possible, but Edward started to sob.

"Don't yell at me!"

"OK, I won't yell at you, but give me the keys."

He sniffled, wiped his nose on his sleeve, and handed me the keys. Note to self: Wash hand well at home. I put Carlisle, Rosalie, Emmett and Alice in the back. Edward sat in the front with me.

"OK everyone, home is our destination."

_A few minutes later…_

"Esme! Do you know what your family has been doing?" I say as I walk in the Cullen's front door. The 6 vampires were still on the leashes.

"Well, judging by the leashes, they were gambling," said Esme, coming from the kitchen.

I was speechless.

"Well, you all, I just have one question for all of you," said Esme. "Why didn't you invite me?"

I was stunned. They all whooped, got out of their leashes, and ran to the car.

And then I learned Life Lesson #10. Never go gambling with the Cullens.

A/N: So, how was it? Were all the characters right? Was it funny? Reviews would be nice. Also, do you want a sequel? If you do, tell me what you would like in it.


	2. The Cullens go to Vegas

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Even if I was I did.

A/N: Wooo! Thank you people! I had so many reviews asking for a sequel, that I thought, why not? So I made one! Let the randomness continue! In Bella's point of view like the last one.

**The Cullens in Vegas**

By: phix27

I was sitting in Esme's kitchen, listening to her go on and on about how smart Martha Stuart is. Yeah right. She makes hundreds of little knick-knacks that no one needs but need to make. I sigh.

"_BELLAAAAAAA! OH MY DARLING BEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!"_ said Emmett.

"In the kitchen," I say in a bored tone.

Emmett comes bounding in, which, I gotta say, is very creepy.

Life Lesson 11: Don't bound in when you weigh more then a whale. You make the building shake.

"Are you bored lovie?" he asks me.

"Yes, and since when are you calling me lovie?" I ask in a very scared tone. This can't be good.

"I'm calling you lovie, because my dear Bella, you bought us all tickets to Vegas!" He yelled, squeezing me in a death grip. Literally, I could feel my eyes popping.

"Emmett! Let her go or she'll die!" Exclaimed Esme.

He finally let me go. I put my head between my knees.

"Never (pant pant) again Emmett. Never hug me again," I breathe.

Life Lesson 12: Never let a vampire like Emmett hugs you. Just don't.

Once I got my breath back, I inquired how I bought these tickets to Vegas.

"Well," said Emmett. "You didn't really buy them, but Alice stole your credit card and bought us all tickets."

I could feel my eye twitch.

"Where (twitch) is she (twitch)?" I ask.

Emmett shrinks away.

"Upstairs," he squeaks.

I rush upstairs, to Alice's room.

"ALICE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! … AGAIN!" I scream.

"For what?" she asks.

"FOR BUYING THOSE TICKETS TO VEGAS!" I scream in her face.

She shrinks away.

"Well, you're coming too," she says, like that will make everything better.

"SO WHAT?!"

She walks past me to the door.

"Edward, Bella needs to be tranquillized again," she says.

"I DO NOT NEED TO BE TRAN- oomph!"

Then, everything went black.

_A long time later…_

"What's mowing on?" I ask in a groggy tone.

I sit up. I'm in Carlisle's Mercedes. Everyone is there. Hey, what are those suitcases doing in the back? No they didn't. I turn to Jasper.

"No you didn't."

"Yes," he says, smiling really big. "We did."

I swear I could scream. So that's what I did. When I finished, no one seemed fazed.

"2 minutes and 32 seconds Bella. That's a new record for you," said Edward from behind me.

Life Lesson 13: When you scream for 2 minutes and 32 seconds, you have to drink a lot of water afterward. So just don't do it.

"You're not helping," I said, crossing my arms and slouching.

"Come on, it's a trip to Vegas. What could be more fun?" asked Rosalie.

"Being shot to death," I replied.

"I've always wanted to try that," said Emmett. "Along with boxing with a kangaroo."

Carlisle pulled up to the airport. For the next few hours, I was a walking mannequin. Except for when Alice flipped off a security guard. That was funny. Then, we got to Vegas.

_In Vegas_

"Woooo! We're in Vegas! The city of Romance!" yelled Alice.

"That's Paris Alice," I point out.

Life Lesson 14: Alice knows too many cities. She gets them confused.

"Whatever, let's go to our room!"

We had gotten 2 rooms at the Venetian Hotel. The guys were sharing a room. I was sharing a room with Alice, Esme and Rosalie. We opened our room, and I gotta say, it was really sweet. Minibar, free room service, 2 bathrooms and 4 beds.

"Bella, get dressed in your sexiest outfit!" Alice screamed at me. And she said I needed to be tranquillized.

"Why?" I ask.

"We're going to a model show," said Rosalie in a bored tone.

"But but but-"

"No buts unless it's yours getting in that outfit! Let's go!" yelled Alice.

So, I got into a little black velvet dress. That was my sexiest outfit. Quite sad, isn't it? Alice was looking very nice in a blue minidress and Esme was looking fabulous in a gold gown. Rosalie was looking like a goddess in a simple pink dress with roses on it. I sigh. Can't I ever be the pretty one? Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Alice sings.

"Santa," said a voice, which I recognized as Jasper's.

Alice opens the door and grabs Jaspers arm.

"Let's go!" she yells.

What was with her tonight? I took Edward's arm and we walk down to the lobby, to Alice's hummed elevator music. Very annoying. When we got to the lobby, we found the pinkest car in existence waiting for us. Literally. I wore sunglasses, it was so pink. And that was just the outside. The inside had pink shag carpeting. I groan.

"I call driver!" yells Alice.

"Can we tranquillize her?" I ask Jasper.

"Only if you have a whale tranquillizer," he replies.

So, Alice drives at breakneck speed around the corner. Then she hits the breaks. Edward had to hold me still. Oh my head.

"Everybody out!" says Esme.

We all climb out and there in front of me is a roller rink.

"The model show is at a roller rink," I say.

"Yep, isn't it groovy?" ask Alice.

Ooooo I want to slap her. We go inside and suddenly I'm all alone. Oooooo now I'm going to slap them all. And that's when everything got weird.

I go off to the bar and there is Rosalie spinning on a bar stool. I had a feeling I would need my kiddie leashes tonight. I go up.

"What are you doing Rosalie?" I ask her.

"Getting sick," she says, still spinning.

"You can't Rosalie. Just stop spinning and look at me."

She stops and does that vein throb thing. Oooo that freaks me out! So, I go to find Jasper. Wait, there he is. Oh what is his fascination with poles? I go up to Jasper who is once again pole dancing.

"Jasper, get offa there."

"Uh… no," he says.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."  
"Yes."

"No."

"Jasper, NOW!!!!!!"

He just sticks his tongue out at me and climbs all the way up the pole. I sigh and go to find Alice. Oh no. I run up to Alice.

"Alice, get off of the turn tables."

"No."

"Now Alice."

"No."

So that's when I broke out the kiddie leashes.

Life Lesson 15: If they don't like it once, their not going to like it twice.

So, I lead Alice to Jasper who was still pole dancing. I tied Alice and Jasper to the pole and went to get Rosalie. She was now drinking tequila. Oh Jeez.

"Come on Rosalie, get down from there," I say.

"You gonna make me pussy cat?" she asks. Oh yeah, she's drunk.

Life Lesson 16: Never put a kiddie leash on a drunk vampire. She knocked two guys out. They had to rush one to the emergency room while Rosalie laughed like a maniac. Creepy.

So, then I tied Rosalie to the pole with Jasper and Alice who were now playing Go Fish with Jasper's shirt. How they got that to work, I don't know.

Then, I went to find Esme. I walked around until I found her, handcuffed to a pole. Oh Jeez. I walk up.

"What are you doing there Esme?"  
"Talking to my friend the pole," she said, petting the pole. "Goooood pole. Nice polely."

I really want to hit my head on the wall.

"Why are you handcuffed?" I ask her.

"Because _they_ want it," she said in a scared tone.

"Who wants it?"

"SHH! You can't let them hear you. They'll kill us all! KILL US ALL! KILL US ALL!..."

Life Lesson 17: Esme can yell really loud. And I mean _really _loud.

She did that for quite a while. I got the handcuffs off. They were the magic ones with the button that lets you go. So, I put a kiddie leash on her and drug her to the insane ones a.k.a. Jasper, Alice and Rosalie.

"… KILL US ALL! KILL US ALL! KILL US ALL!"

"ESME! SHUT UP WILL YOU?" I scream at her.

She got a really weird look on her face. And then she did the impossible. She started to cry.

"Oh no Esme. Please don't cry. I'm sorry. Um… will you stop crying if I buy you a drink?"

She nods as she blubs.

"Okay, I think Rosalie has some tequila left. Do you want that?"

She nods. I take her to the pole with Alice, Jasper and Rosalie. I give Esme her drink and then look around for the others. I spot Carlisle. Hanging from the ceiling. I walk over.

"Carlisle, what are you doing?"

"I'm a vampire!" he says. I notice he's wearing fake fangs.

"I know that. Get down from there."

He thinks about it.

"Give me blood?" he asks all hopeful.

"Maybe, if you get down."

"I'll fly down!" he says and drops. As expected he hits the floor.

"Oh right, I still can't do that. Bella, I can't feel my heart."

"Your heart stopped a long time ago Carlisle."

"Oh yeah! I forgot."

Life Lesson 18: Just cause your immortal, you can't do everything.

So, I put a kiddie leash on him and take him to the pole where currently- hey! They escaped their kiddie leashes! Grrr… I drag Carlisle around, trying to find those damn vampires. Finally, I found Jasper. On the pole again. I sigh.

"Jasper, get off."

"Maybe, if you have some moola," he says.

"How much 'moola'?"

He thinks.

"A bazillion gazillion dollars."

I sigh and drag him off. I put the kiddie leash on him again. I drag them around looking for the others. Then I find Rosalie and Esme downing shots at the bar.

"Come on you two. Let's go."

"You gonna make us pussy cat?" asked Rosalie. Why is she obsessed with pussy cats? I put kiddie leashes on them too. I looked around. I spotted Emmett and went over to him.

"What are you doing Emmett?" I ask.

"Nothing," he answers. And the weirdest thing was, he was right. He was just standing there. Not doing anything. I shrug.

"Come on Emmett," I say. He follows me.

"Do you know where Edward is?"

"The last I saw him, he was riding a turn table," says Emmett.

We go up to the turn tables. There's Edward on the phone.

"Hello, Suicide Hotline? Yeah, I cut my wrists and now I'm having second thoughts. What do I do?" I hear him says. He listens for a moment.

"NO! DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! DON'T PUT ME ON-"

He sighs.

"They put me on hold again!"

"Come on Ed, let's go home."

He agrees and we go back to the hotel and get all our stuff.

Life Lesson 19: Disappointed vampires are scary vampires.

We book a flight back to Seattle. Halfway through, Alice says something to me.

"Bella?" she asks.

"Yes Alice?" I ask.

"Is it okay that I took the turn tables? Their fun."

I sigh.

"It's fine Alice."

"Oh and Bella?" she asks.

"Yes Alice?" I ask.

"Edward jumped off the plane."

"WHAT?"

And that's when I learned Life Lesson 20: Edward can survive jumps from almost everything. Everything except planes.

A/N: So, how was it? I know sequels aren't very good usually, but I hope this was good. I was thinking of making it a series. What do you think?

Away laughing on a camel (Yes, a camel. Don't think on it. Don't question it. Just believe it.),

Phix27 (or Goddess phix27, whichever you prefer.)


	3. Back at the Ranch

Disclaimer: insert standard disclaimer here

A/N: Okay everyone, you can stop hoping. I decided to do a series! The Cullen's will go many places, with you (and Bella!) along for the ride. Right now, they're going to a ranch. What will happen? You're gonna have to read on.

**Back at the Ranch**

By: phix27

It was nice and dark when I got into bed. I had just got the covers nice and comfortable, when a blinding light went right into my eyes.

"OW!!! WHAT THE FLIP?" I scream holding my eyes.

"Bella! Wakeupwakeupwakeup!" yelled a voice in my ear I identified as Alice's.

"OW! ALICE WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" I ask her.

"We're going to a ranch Bella! Come on, we've got your clothes in the car." And with that, she picked me up and carried me to the car waiting in the drive.

"But Charlie-" I protested.

"He's agreed to let us take you to the ranch. He says to have a nice time," said Edward, who was sitting next to me and Jasper. The whole family was there. I groaned.

"Where are we going again?"

"To a ranch," says Esme, from the front.

"I can't walk across a flat surface without falling and you want me to go to a ranch?! Are you mad people?!" I ask hysterically.

"Well, I can say that most of us are," said Jasper.

"Go to sleep Bella," said Edward.

"No," I said stubbornly, crossing my arms.

"I GOT THE GUN!" yelled Emmett from the way back back.

"NO! NO I DON'T NEED TH- zzzzzzzz…"

And I black out.

I wake up lying on the roof of the car.

"AHHHHHHHHH! breath AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Relax Bella. The car's stopped," says Rosalie. Sure enough, the car wasn't moving and a lot of people where giving me strange looks.

"Oh. Why am I up here anyway?" I ask Rosalie, climbing down.

"You were saying something of feeling the wind on your face, so Carlisle had the idea to put you on the hood." I didn't even want to know.

"Where is everybody?" I ask.

"We've all been put to work. Carlisle has to muck out the pig pen, Esme has to feed the goats, Alice has to serve drinks, Jasper has to brush the oxen, Edward has to feed the ducks, and Emmett and I are tending the horses."

"You know, I think I'll come with you to tend the horses."

"Okay."

So we walk in silence to the barn. There we come to find Emmett holding a gun and having a very peculiar look on his face.

"What are you doing with that gun Emmett?" I ask, almost scared of the answer.

"They want me to put this horse down," he said, nose wrinkling. "I sniffle ca-ca- can't do it."

And then he bawled. Rosalie went to him.

"Come on Emmett, it's not that bad. Come one, I'll do it if you want. Stop crying please."

"Um, Rosalie? I'm gonna go now," I say.

"SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE MADNESS!" she yells to me.

"Ok ok, no need to yell." I say, leaving. I went to go find Esme. I arrive at the goat pen.

"Hey Esme," I say to her.

"Bella! Bella thank God! You have to help me! The goats! I swear, they are animals!" she says, jumping over the fence.

"Uh, yeah Esme, that's what they are."

"Oh… I knew that," she said, climbing back over the fence. Then, she proceeded to knock the goats senseless with a bottle.

I go back to the car. Time for the kiddie leashes, I can tell. I had a feeling I would need them. I go back for Esme, and pull the screaming vampire with me too the barn for Rosalie and Emmett. I arrived at the barn a little while later to find Emmett and Rosalie standing next to a horse, both in tears.

"What's with you guys?" I ask.

"W- we c-c- can't sniffle ki-ill this ho hiccup," Emmett didn't get to finish, he had a hiccupping fit.

"You can't kill a ho?" I ask, very confused.

"N-n-no. Horse," said Rosalie.

"Oh."

"Okay, come on you two," I say, fitting kiddie leashes on them. Thank God for small miracles like kiddie leashes. Next I went to find Jasper. I found him next to the oxen pen. He had a weird look on his face.

"What are you doing Jasper? Why the face?"

"I'm supposed to be brushing the oxen," he answered. "They have horns."

"Uh, yeah, their oxen."

"GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled, climbing into a kiddie leash. I don't think I have ever gotten any of them into a kiddie leash willingly. I shrug and go to find Carlisle. I found him at the pig pen, playing with a piglet.

"Hey Carlisle. What are you doing with that piglet?"

"Petting it."

"Why?"

"Cause it's cute."

"That's nice. Come on," I say, trying to put a kiddie leash on Carlisle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" he yelled and ran to Alice. Well, that was convenient. I follow Carlisle to Alice at the bar.

"Come on Alice, we're going home," I say.

She shrugs. "Fine by me."

So, I lead the vampires to the duck pond where I find Edward, up a tree.

"Why are you up a tree Ed?" I ask. "I thought you were supposed to be feeding the ducks?"

"I don't like ducks," he says in a scared tone.

"Their ducks Edward. They can't hurt you."

"But they have wings and they can breath under water!" he yells, almost hysterically.

"Tell you what. If you come down, I won't like the duckies hurt you, ok?," I say.

He nods and shimmies down the tree.

"Come on Ed," I say, wrapping my free arm around his waist. "Let's go home."

We make it all the way to the car, but then disaster struck. There, in the driver's seat, was the biggest, baddest duck in the pond. I mean, even the oxen were afraid of that duck. So of course, Edward screamed like a little girl and climbed onto the oxen. That made Jasper scream, which made Esme scream at him to stop yelling, which in turn made Carlisle yell at her, which made Rosalie yell at him, which made Emmett yell at Rosalie. And Alice just yelled for the fun of yelling.

I let this go on for a minute, while I got my bearings. Then, I had an idea. I go up to the duck and scratched it behind the ear. Hey, if it works for Edward, it'll work for a duck. So, I got the duck to come out of the car and into my arms. I walked it to the pond and watched it float away. The screaming stopped instantly.

"Okay everyone, home we go," I say, walking back to the car. The stunned vampires followed me. The silence lasted all the way home. Just as I was getting out, Alice spoke.

"Bella, you are the single most awesome person I know," she said in an awed tone.

"Thank you Alice," I smile and go up the walk. I hear the car start, but as it leaves I hear Alice yell:

"THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT!"

I just smile and go up to bed.

A/N: So, that is the Cullen's going to a ranch. Hope it wasn't too bad! I know, it's not one of my best.

I'll give you a hint to where their going next! Hint: Kings and Queens and really good food! ;)


	4. Vampire in Shining Armor

A/N: I am soo soo sorry this took so long! I was away on vacation and had major writers block. I promise the next one won't take so long. THANK YOU REVIEWERS! YOU ARE ALL SO AWESOME!

**Vampire in Shining Armor**

By: phix27

It was time for our class field trip. I was scared out of my skin.

You may ask why are you scared of a field trip Bella?

Well, because the Cullens are going with me. Carlisle and Esme are our chaperones, while Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Edward are in my group. We're going to Medieval Times. Right now we were on the bus there. Edward and Alice were having a paper ball fight, Esme was trying to talk Carlisle down from the ceiling, Emmett was watching Star Wars, Jasper was crying with Rosalie about something on ebay. I think it was a dress or something. I was looking out the window, still trying to figure out why I agreed to this.

"Because you love me," said Edward. Alice and he were done their paper ball fight and he had bits of paper in his hair.

"Hey Ed! You can't read my mind!" I say.

"Right…" Uh-oh, he's using the shifty eyes.

"Ed… what aren't you telling me?" I ask.

"Um well… I could read your mind from the beginning." He cringes. "Don't hurt me."

"What?! You could read my mind this whole time?"

"Uh… yes?"

"Then why did you say you couldn't!?" I scream at him. Now everyone was watching.

"It's simple Bella," said Jasper, the sane-est one. "It added drama."

Ya know, I take that back. Jasper is not the sane-est one. Everyone nods and goes back to what they were doing.

"And there you have it Bella," said Alice.

"We're here! Everybody off!" says the driver.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Oh no. Jasper.

"What's the matter Jasper?"

"That meanie! He stole the dress we were bidding on!" Jasper bawls.

"Um… There there Jasper. It's all going to be ok," I say, patting him on the back.

"Let's go!" said Carlisle, charging off the bus.

I think these guys are connected by mind or something because they all rushed out the door with a cry. I roll my eyes and walk off the bus.

"Sorry 'bout them," I say to the bus driver.

"Hey, I'm not the one who has to live with them," he says and drives off.

Well, here we are. Wow, look at all the shops. Don't let Alice near them. We'll never see the show. Edward comes and grabs my hand.

"Come on Bella! Let's go see the torture chamber!" he yells.

Greeeeeeatttttttttttt…….. I sigh.

"All right Edward. Everyone stay together."

Amazingly, they do. Jasper is still crying a sucking on a lolly-pop.

"Ooooooooo… pretty!" exclaimed Rosalie, running over to a lady selling glowing flowers. Of course she had to buy one.

Alice didn't like the torture chamber at all. It was scary how hard she gripped my arm. I was bruised for a month.

As we got out, I noticed Emmett wasn't with us.

"Where is Emmett?" I asked the others.

Being the helpful people- er, vampires they are; they shrugged.

"Don't worry Bella," said Jasper. "We'll find him before we leave."

Just then, an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

"Everyone, please go to the stairs so that you may take your seat. The show will start in 5 minutes."

I sigh. "Come on guys and gals."

So we took our seats. We were in the white and black knight section. And I still didn't know where Emmett was.

They handed out flags and crowns for us. They also poured us Coke and soup. It was so funny, watching the Cullen's wrinkle their noses at the food. I had to eat it all. Then, another announcement came on.

"Due to a broken leg, the white and black knight will not be performing today.

Much booing and hissing from the crowd. Esme cried.

"So we have a replacement! Please welcome to the ring EMMETT CULLEN!!!!!!!"

Ooooooooooh noooooooooo! Why me? Why me!

Emmett rides in the ring, dressed in armor! He spots me and wave. Then I hear him call out above the noise…

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BELLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I put my head in my hands. I was really ready to cry. I couldn't take much more of this! Emmett could get seriously hurt too!

…

What am I saying? He's a vampire!

Just then our chicken came. I really think Edward swallowed his whole, bones and all. He didn't even chew.

"You gonna eat that?" he asks me. I sigh and push my plate over to him.

Emmett was jousting with the green knight now. Of course he won. I would love to see anyone try to knock Emmett down. That poor horse too. Is it bionic? That is the only way I can think that it is still standing. Either that or it's a vampire horse. Ha, vampire horse.

Oh dear. Emmett has to throw roses. EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!! OMGOSH HE HIT A GIRL IN THE EYE! HER EYE IS BLEEDING! EEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T LOOK, DON'T LOOK!!!!!

End of the competition. Thank God. I don't know how much more of that I could take! Emmett won of course. The other knights were huddled in a corner and wouldn't come near him. I don't blame them. TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Home. We're going home. YAY!!!!! I AM FREE, FREE AT LAST! Just then, Edward hugged me.

"You are never free, Yoda," he said in his most evil voice.

"THAT IS IT! I AM NEVER LETTING ANY OF YOU WATCH STAR WARS, HARRY POTTER, NARNIA OR ANYOTHER SCI-FI MOVIE! EVER!"

Rosalie raises a hand.

"WHAT IS IT ROSALIE?"

"I want to watch 'Two Snakes on a Plane'," she says.

"NO! I AM NOW FORBIDING YOU TO WATCH ANY MOVIES NOT RATED G!"

"Sure, Edward had to fall in love with a control freak," Rosalie mutters, slumped down in her seat with arms crossed.

"I HEARD THAT!"

"STOP YELLING BELLA, JASPER HAS GONE DEAF!" yells Alice. Jasper stumbles around, bumping into things.

"That's being blind Jasper."

"Oh, right," he says, sitting down.

I sink wearily into my seat. I just have the perfect life.

"Yes," said Edward, looking at me. "You do."

I just glare at him.

A/N: I didn't really like this one, but you tell me what you think.

A few questions for you:

How many of you have read Eclipse now?

How many liked it?

How many didn't?

How many liked the poem in the front?

How many memorize said poem?

Just please answer the questions and maybe review on my story too, lol. ;) Love to all my reviewers and fans!


	5. The Cullens go to Dorney Park

The Cullen's go to Dorney Park

**The Cullen's go to Dorney Park**

By: phix27

"Yeeeeeeessssssssssss," said Emmett as we walked through the gate of Dorney park.

"Emmett, you're scaring me. Not to mention little children," I said. And it was true. Just over there, there was a little girl hiding behind her mother.

Edward patted me on the back and said, "Let's go get on Voodoo!"

Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle and Edward screamed (manly) and chest bumped. I shared a look with Alice.

Suddenly, everyone left and I was alone with Rosalie. We smiled awkwardly at each other, then went different ways.

I rode the rides for a while and then I decided to find someone to ride with. But first I wanted to go on the carousel.

I got on when I thought I saw Jasper up ahead. I moved up a few horses. It was Jasper. He was on a blue horse that was bucking and looked mean. He was clutching it like if he let go, the world would end.

"Jasper, are you okay?" I asked.

"Bella! Oh thank Carlisle! I've been stuck on here since we arrived!" he yelled, letting go with one hand to grip my arm hard enough to almost stop blood flow.

"You've been stuck on here- wait. Did you just compare Carlisle to God?"

"Did I? I don't remember. Did you bring the leashes?" he asked, so fast I almost didn't catch it.

"Um… yeah. They're in my bag."

"Yay! Can you put me in one?"

"…Sure?"

This was freaky. Jasper slid into his favorite vest (the one with the bear on the back) and then we got off the ride.

"I saw Alice go by a little while before you came. She had a teddy that was bigger then she was. I want it," Jasper said, licking the ice cream cone I bought him.

"Okay, let's go get her. We should get going anyway."

We walked around for awhile when I thought I saw Carlisle with one of those people who guess your age. They were screaming at each other. Jasper and I shared a look then walked over.

"You are not 300 years old!" the man was screaming.

"Yes I am, you ripoff artist! Now give me my teddy bear!" Carlisle screamed back.

I chose that moment to slip the kiddie leash over his head and drag him away. He instantly became quiet until finally he spoke.

"I never got my teddy bear Bella."

I patted him on the head. "I'll buy you one when we get home."

We headed off to find everyone else. I figured that Emmett would be at the strength tester cause I mean, where else would Emmett be? He was Emmett after all.

We headed to the strength tester and sure enough, there was Emmett. He was surrounded by a crowd and was standing next to the guy who ran it. Jasper, Carlisle and I pushed out way through the crowd to stand beside Emmett.

"It's amazing," the guy who ran it was saying. "I've never heard of anyone who's actually _broken_ a strength tester."

"Sorry," Emmett said.

"Come on Emmett," I said as I slipped a kiddie leash over his head. "Time to go."

"I'll pay for it," Emmett yelled as I dragged him off.

Next was Rosalie. I didn't have any idea where she might be, but Emmett said to try the petting zoo. I was wondering why there was a petting zoo in an amusment park. And what Rosalie was doing there. Those poor, poor animals.

When we got to the petting zoo, I decided to let Jasper go to help me search. I figured I could let him go and he wouldn't run away.

I went left, Jasper went right. We decided to meet in the middle again after we had searched our sections. I searched the whole left side where we met sheep, cows, goats and horses. Of course Emmett had to stop and pet them all.

I returned to the middle after about 15 minutes but I didn't see Jasper. After another 10 minutes, I began to get worried. Suddenly, I saw Jasper running toward me, the leash swinging behind him because he had refused to let me take it off.

"What is it Jasper?" I asked when he got to me.

"I found Rosalie!" he shouted.

"Uh, Jasper? You don't have to shout," I said, covering my ears.

"Sorry. But I found Rosalie," Jasper said.

"Where?"

"She's at the bunnies. But I should warn you, it's going to scar you for life."

I took the leash that was dragging on the ground. "Let's go."

A few minutes later I was gripping Jasper's shirt and screaming. "Oh my freaking Edward!!"

Carlisle was huddled crying in a corner with a few little girls. Emmett meanwhile was trying to talk some sense into Rosalie.

"Rose, put the bunny down. I- yes Rose, I know you like the bunny. But please, if you have any mercy, put the bunny down. ROSE!! NO!! THAT IS NOT APPOPRIATE!! PUT THE BUNNY DOWN NOW! ED, DO IT!"

I looked up from where I was huddling in Jasper's chest to see Edward bashing Rosalie over the head with a crowbar. Where'd he get a crowbar? Never mind. I was just glad he was here.

Rosalie went down hard. Real hard. Luckily, Emmett caught the bunny before it was crushed. Edward bent down to pick her up and throw here over his shoulder. He just smiled at me.

"Let's go home Bella."

"But we don't have Esme or Alice," I said, grabbing Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett's leashes.

"We'll find them on the way," Edward said.

We just got out of the petting zoo when Jasper spoke up.

"So it's okay for you to compare Edward to God, but not for me to compare Carlisle to God? Oh yeah, that's fair," Jasper pouted and crossed his arms.

I rubbed his back and we continued on the way. We were almost out before we head a commotion up front. We broke through the crowd and I winced as Edward dropped Rosalie by accident. I looked up from Rosalie to see Esme holding on to the head of a man dressed as a giant Charlie Brown for all she was worth.

"Esme, what are you doing?" I asked hesitantly.

She looked up. "Oh, hi Bella. I was just riding the mechanical Charlie Brown. Have you ever?"

"No, can't say I have. Time to go home Esme," I said, shaking a leash at her.

"Oh, okay," she said, jumping off the Charlie Brown to land gracefully in front of me. She let me slip her into a leash. "What happened to Rosalie?"

"I'll explain on the way home."

"Okay. Hey, where's Alice?"

"That is a good question Esme." I looked to Edward.

"Eh, she'll catch up," he said with a shrug.

We left the park, and headed for the car. Let me tell you, it was a long walk to the car. I almost wanted to ask Edward to carry me too. Finally we made it. And there was Alice.

"Hey, about time you guys got here," she said and got into the car. I sighed.

Just another day with the Cullens.

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this took so long! Thank you to everyone who donated ideas and to all my readers and reviewers. I loved you all so so much! many kisses are blown Next chappie, the gang goes to WaterWorld (WaterWorld is imaginary btw)


	6. The Cullens go to WaterWorld

**The Cullens go to WaterWorld!!!**

By: phix27

A/N: I would just like to add that pretty much none of the books apply to this story. Sorry but you know that charrie that appears in BD? Yeah, probably not going to happen. Sorry!

I have to admit, I was a little worried about how this was going to work.

What you ask?

The Cullens were taking me to WaterWorld. Edward was trying to give me another "human experience" Please. The only reason I agreed to this was to see Edward in swim trunks. Yummy. (Drool moment for the author here...)

Carlisle and Esme were staying home

But I was not ready for Emmett. In a Speedo.

"Oh My GAWD!!!" I covered my eyes and fell to the ground. "Help me baby Jesus! Help me Tom Cruise!" I screamed as I twisted around on the floor. "My eyes are on fire!!!!"

"Oh shut up Bella," I heard Emmett say from my place on the floor. I felt myself being lifted and I opened my eyes the tinniest bit so I could see. Edward picked me up off the floor.

"You do know this is a park that has kids in it, right Emmett?" I heard Carlisle.

"Well duh! That's why I wore the less reveling one," I heard Emmett reply.

Oh nooo... I just got a very bad image in my head of Emmett in an even smaller Speedo.

"Can we just go to the waterpark please?" I asked in a weak voice.

"Sure Bella," they all said.

Thank the Lord I'd brought the kiddie leashes.

"Woo!" Emmett screamed when he jumped out of the car and ran into the park with Rose over his shoulder.

I blinked. "What just happened?"

Edward shrugged. Alice danced over to me and grabbed my hand.

"Bella," she said in a tiny voice. "I have something I need to tell you."

"What is it Alice?" I asked.

She leaned in very close and pressed her lips to my ear.

"I CAN'T SWIM!" she yelled.

"Ow!" I screamed, pulling away and putting my hand over my ear. "What the heck was that for?!"

"SORRY!" she yelled. "I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP!"

"Well then just... don't talk," I said, putting my hands over my ears just in case.

Alice started to speak, then stopped and nodded.

"Why did you come if you can't swim?" I asked. "Wait! Don't answer that!"

"Because she wanted to see Jasper in a swim suit," Edward said.

I jumped back, hand over my heart. "HOLY CRAP EDWARD!!! Do you want my heart to stop beating or what?"

Edward got a look of wonder on his face. "Your heart _beats_?!" Then he looked jealous. "Why can't I have a heart that beats?"

"Speaking of Jasper," I said, totally ignoring Edward once more, "where'd he go?"

Just as I finished talking, Jasper ran up and jumping in really fast circles around me.

"Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat!!!!!" he shouted, coming to a stop in front of me. "GUESS WHAT!!!!!"

"WHAT?" Alice shouted, then slapped a hand over her mouth.

I glared at her, then turned to Jasper. Edward was behind me, waving his arms to get my attention but I ignored him. "What Jasper?"

"Well," he said, going into his monologue voice. "You know how everyone wants to leave a legacy? Someone to remember you, bad or good? Well, I left my legacy today. See, I was coming over here from the bathroom when I saw a little boy eating an ice cream cone. So I made sure he would remember me. I just ran up and smacked that ice cream cone out of his hand! I guarantee you he will remember me," Jasper said with a satisfied nod of his head.

"That's... that's just great Jasper," I said. "Shall we actually go into the park now?"

"Bella!" Edward yelled from behind me as I turned to go into the park. "Help! This guy is trying to rape me!"

"That's great Edward," I said, not even listening to him.

Alice hooked elbows with me and Jasper, and we skipped into the park to the sound of Edward's screams.

"So, what do you want to do first?" I asked Jasper.

"Let's go on a ride that has water," he said, completely serious.

"Jasper. We're in a water park. They all have water."

"Oh," he looked thoughtful. "Well, I don't know. Let's go on a slide."

"Sure," I said and off we went to the slide that let's you ride an inter tube.

Edward was there, getting on the slide.

"Hey Edward," I said. Then I ignored him again. "So Alice, I think this should be okay for you. You don't even really touch the water."

Alice nodded. "OKAY."

"Alice stop that!" Jasper and I yelled at the same time. We grinned at each other and stared into each other's eyes.

"AHHH!!" Edward screamed from down in the tube. "I'm drowning."

"You can't drown Edward," I said, still staring into Jasper's eyes. "You don't have to breath."

"Oh... Yeah, I knew that," Edward called.

"JASPER," Alice yelled, pulling his face to hers. "YOU LOVE ME REMEMBER? WE HAVE TO FOLLOW THE BOOK PLOT AT LEAST A LITTLE!"

"Yes Great Ruler of the Universe," Jasper said sullenly.

"GREAT! NOW, LET'S GO ON THIS SLIDE!"

And with that she grabbed his hand and went down the slide. I followed after them.

The ride was pretty fun actually. Until...

There was a road block. I was wedged in between Edward and Jasper.

Crap! To canon or not to canon. That is the real question.

"What's causing this road block anyway?" I asked after a few minutes of pondering.

"Emmett," The guys said in unison.

"Oh," I said. "Well, I can fix that."

I put kiddie leashes and lead them behind me as I crawled between people to get to the front. Alice was laughing hysterically so I put a kiddie leash on her; I accidentally crushed a little kid; Carlisle, who hadn't even come up on this trip, I found sandwiched between two very muscular ladies so I put a kiddie leash on him. Then I found Rosalie unconscious. I didn't even want to know how that happened. I had Edward carry her. Then I got to the front.

Emmett was there. He was taking a nap.

"EMMETT!" I shouted. "YOU CAN'T SLEEP!"

"Shhh Bella!" Emmett said over his shoulder. "I'm trying to go to sleep!"

"But you CAN'T!!!"

Emmett started to cry. "All I want is to belong!!!"

I patted his back awkwardly. "Um... There there Emmett. How's this? If you unblock the tube, I'll let you take a nap on the way home."

He stopped crying. "Okay."

And then he let go of the tube.

Imagine this if you will. A whole mass of people going down a water tube. Inner tubes were mixed in with arms and legs. Plus there were six vampires. Alice was still laughing, Rosalie was still unconscious, Edward and Jasper were now making out, I have no idea where Carlisle is and Emmett was going "Weeeeee! I'm a comet!" over and over until we dumped into the pool.

"We. Are. Going. HOME!" I said once we got out of the pool.

"Okay Bella!" the group of vampires said.

"Get that little boy out of your mouth Jasper. He is not food," I yelled over my shoulder.

"Yes Bella," Jasper said and spit the little kid out of his mouth. The poor little boy cried and ran to his mom.

We got in the car and I was steaming mad. Emmett was in the back seat, eyes wide open.

"Emmett, I thought you wanted to go to sleep," I asked, confused, from the passenger seat.

"Sleeping's for losers," he said.

"ARGH!" I shouted.

I was never doing this again.


End file.
